I'm Late to the Party...

I.

I grabbed the Mad Dog 20/20 for nostalgia. 

20/20 meaning: you won't see with that scale of vision after one bottle.

I bring a throwback of blackouts riddled with regret and vomit.
Our buddy brought the Jägermeister. 

For the young, naive, and impressionable-- 

Whose depreciation to hold up with the big dogs 

Will send them to the floor with a black licorice poisoning
Swallowing room-temperature Taco Bell

Trying to save what little grace was left while crawling to the bathtub.
I saved the Whiskey for your head-butting friend.
You know, 

The one who always picked a fight with the refrigerator, 
And then blamed it on the cabinets.
I bear these gifts of wine and rum.
Because only real men drink something with flavor--
Knowing the present dangers of their previous mistakes.
And with this Gin, your friend now weds
One of the last designated drunk drivers to keep the party going.

II.

I'm late to the party.

Do you know how time-consuming it is to flag down three kegs, call a stripper, 

and then remember how to tie your shoes-- 

after smoking with the ice cream man in the back of his truck?

When I walked up to your porch, three people stopped me. 

Accusing me of something that I probably did, but I couldn't remember.

Oh, and your buddy's van... 

May or may not have taken out your mailbox.

And when you discover if, or when, your mailbox went missing 

by your back patio binge-drinking friends...

You will find it face down in the neighbor's pool 

with your topless new ex-girlfriend 

hanging out with that one guy you didn't like when you met him.